Day One

Grief is said to imply deep mental anguish or suffering often endured alone or in silence.  Mourning is defined as a more formal act and more public, although it implies deep emotion felt over a period of time.  I can tell you firsthand while these sweeping definitions strike a cord at the heart or essence of grief and mourning, it is hard to grasp the true painful exposure, solitude and sadness of grief and mourning until it is felt for yourself.  To define these words seems funny to me- I can hardly define them myself right now.  Perhaps some of my friends could define them for me- as mere watchers of my sorrow.  They could perhaps explain the weeping or the lack of intelligence I have displayed recently, which can only be explained to me as a result of my mourning.

There are days when I feel like a character in a movie.  That I am Drew Barrymore in "50 First Dates", and I live each moment over and over again- which of course has its blessings, unless I am eating cookies or drinking coffee and then I have gained 15 pounds and I find myself on a serious caffeine high.   And its double the trouble when my mother is in the same boat with me and she asks me to remember things for her.  "Meg, could you please remember that I have taken this medicine at this time".

I would of course love to remember that my mom has taken her medicine, except I forget sometimes if I have showered that morning?!?! So now, we are fat, but perhaps really clean and taken too much medication, but drinking lots and lots of coffee.  Literally, the guy at the Starbucks drive-thru knows us when we simply pull and starts making our drinks before we even order...

There is always the array of reactions... you get told this is normal, while you get looks from some people who are scared to spend time with you, and others who ask you if you are okay...
And I want to be motivational- all the time, for everyone- I don't want to be angry, or upset or have "bad days", but unfortunately I am human.

And on top of that, I am in the "forgotten group".  And some of you may understand this, and some of you will scratch your heads and wonder what I am talking about or why I am wallowing in such pain and grief over a sister... however, if you are in the latter, the scalp scratching category then you are the ones who have me in the forgotten group that I am talking about.

My mother lost a child, the most unimaginable, horrible pain a human can feel- as an individual who was getting a Masters in Counseling we study extensively that this is the worst pain a person can feel.  There is no other psychological grief worse than losing a child.  Therefore her pain is understandable, recognizable and justified.  My brother-in-law; he lost his wife, there is a name for him, he has become a widower- he lost he mate, his partner, the person who he woke up to everyday, went to bed with every night and whom he shared his hopes, dreams and his forever life with...

But where does this leave sisters? We are the forgotten mourners?  Or at least it feels that way at times.  I was not Tara's mother, I was not her life partner.  I was simply her sister.  We fought, we loved, we shared, we have a constant and shared past- one that is tangled and complicated, but one that is ours and we did have a future- because we were family... and I miss her.  Daily, and in every moment, in every breath- I miss her... I shared 30 years with this individual- thirty complicated, beautiful, loving, wonderful, hard and amazing years....
There is no time frame for grief or mourning- it does not go away in a matter of months- it is not more severe for one person or another... and it is not a planned event.  Tears will come while I am driving down the road, when a stranger asks me a question in Target, or when I am watching a silly television show...

I have no doubt that parts of the definition are correct- mental anguish, deep emotion felt over a period of time.  However, the only thing I can say for certain is, I do not feel alone.  I never feel alone, and for the rest of my life, I know I will have the comfort my sister there. 

This is only the beginning of my journey... I can never say thank you enough to my family and friends who have offered me support, love and guidance throughout this time in my life- and continue to do so each day....